I feel so human right now. And so vulnerable. Job 13:14 says "Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my own hands?"
I'm at that pivotal point of realization and questioning, but there, and there alone it seems. I can't spur myself on into change, nor can I allow myself retreat back into my previous ways. Everything feels so out of proportion right now, and crying just seems like a good idea. *sigh*
It's the days when the world weighs heaviest on me that I struggle more to see God in what goes on around me. The problem I face in that, is that I continuously forget to see God in myself and what He is doing in me, aka, my self-perception goes out the window. Today, I have tried seemingly victoriously to help out others in my life, only to have them all come to a screeching halt when I stopped to think of myself, and my keys. I inconvenienced friends and really beat myself up over something so insignificant. Why did I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my own hands? I kicked myself and got down rather than allowing God to take care of me through my friends. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, that I just didn't see the opportunity to be taken care of.
This is not the first time that this lesson has kicked my butt. It's harder for me to ask for help then it is to press on through the hardest parts of my life, but through some amazing friends and family, I have been learning in the last year to ask for help.
God is amazing and I know He has huge plans for me, and if they are what I think that they are, they will work out as He allows. If not, well then, He'll close that door. For me, I'm just searching for inspiration. Today, this was it. I'm going to try to be more intentional about looking for things that are positive, things I'm thankful for, things I enjoy, and things that inspire me. In the meantime.... I'm relying on faith to get me through this.