Tuesday, September 15

A Bunch of Bowling Balls

One month after saying I'm going to be a good blogger, here I am. It's been a bit crazy though. School became an issue, then there was the moving, and the starting of the problematic school, etc., etc., etc. Oh well.

I've been wondering lately about why things happen in my life. I know there is a purpose in these things, because I've seen other confusing things come to an end and have purpose. But I must be in the middle of these new ones, and I feel so eager to get to the end of them just so that the lesson will be learned. Who knows...?

God and I have butted heads a bit lately. Not to say that He hasn't been reaching out to me, or teaching me things, but more that the things I am getting from Him haven't exactly been easy to handle all at once. Much of me feel like I'm trying to hold a bunch of bowling balls all at the same time. I'm working to release those, to give them to Him, but I haven't quite figured out just how to get onto my knees yet while holding all these things. Part of me feels the overwhelming desire to be both the father and the son in the story of the prodigal. I want to run to Him, and drop everything to do it, yet I'm completely wrapped up in what to say to Him to make Him take me back.

And yet, as I type that, I realize there's nothing I can say to Him to be taken back, He's already welcoming and receiving me. He is the Father, and I am His daughter. Without question, He never rejected me in the first place, I've only created that illusion within myself. No wall exists there physically, just in my mind, and mine alone.