Saturday, May 8

A Feeling of Relief

It’s dawning on me as I lay in bed right now, at 11:30pm, that I am now 21. I have a job. I have applied to seminary. I have travelled out of the country. I have lived.

I threw away/recycled a bunch of old papers from classes that I’ll never refer to, I won’t miss, and I can spend time scouring the internet for if I really need. The weight of that is so powerful for me, and I didn’t even realize it until after it was finished. School has always been a source of comfort, stress, appreciation, and anxiety, all at once. At least for me anyways. But it’s ultimately been a way for me to hide from everyone else in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe in education, and the amazing things that it can do in someone’s life. It’s just that, for me, school kept me from experiencing God at times.

I don’t mean that He wasn’t present with me, but it was more like I spent a lot of time sitting at my desk, with Him on the bed saying, “Come spend time with me!” and me going, “Once this ______________ is finished, then I will.”

Welcome to my education.

What I didn’t realize as I was getting rid of all of these notes, was that I’ve been delivered from that. The fact that I was letting all of this go, means that I’ve actually given myself over to trusting that God will follow through with seminary, or whatever other plan that He has. It’s an interesting relief.

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